Getting There
Seasoned travelers know vacations have their ups and downs but when one goes to a resort that comes highly rated you expect it to at least be decent. Our experience not so much.
My daughter who I’ll call K, was dragged home by the University of Maryland in March of 2020 at the height of Covid panic even though she would have been safer in Sydney, Australia during her semester abroad. The threat, you will not graduate, was a major one and there was blow back. It was withdrawn after her housemates and others who already bought tickets home and gave up their place were grudgingly packing to go home.
The boyfriend K loved dumped her right before she arrived on Bondi Beach six weeks earlier and after a three day odyssey to get home, she slept for two weeks and could not stop repeating when she surfaced for food that it was “The End of the World.”
So after she graduated a year later in May of 2022, and everyone’s big scare that resulted in my 4-day hospital stay where they kept asking for a living will, and I kept telling them “I am not going to die,” we decided to go to the Caribbean as her graduation present.
One week on a Caribbean island where the most stress we would have was deciding what color drink should be consumed on the beach or in a bar. Or so we thought.
The Travel Agent
The restrictions to travel overseas in May of 2021 were massive, differed by country and kept changing. So for the first time in three decades I used a travel agent. She suggested the Secrets Resort n Punta Cana on Bavaro Beach, at the northern tip of the Dominican Republic (DR) which is famous for its gorgeous setting and sold me when she said that the resort had gourmet food. The DR was practical because it did not require Covid tests to get in and the US only wanted a negative antigen test 36 hours before you came back.
The Dominican Republic was discovered and founded by Christopher Columbus in 1492, the same year he found North America. Under Spanish rule for much of its history the island was inhabited by the Taíno, an Arawakan people, who referred to it as "mother of all lands." Columbus promptly claimed the island for the Spain naming it La Isla Española. The Taínos were nearly wiped out due to European infectious diseases. The DR was under Spanish, French and Haitian and in the 20th century briefly under American rule. Independence was declared during the 1920s. Mamajuana, the national drink is wine based infused with spices and likely other types of liquor. Dominicans say it is an aphrodisiac, and enough of it will definitely eliminate prudishness.
I am not quiet when things don’t go well, which my daughter knows and puts up with briefly until she shuts me down. This trip we agreed from the moment we got to Secrets Royal Beach Punta Cana, an all inclusive adults only club, began badly. The travel agent tried to upgrade us to the “Preferred Club” and so did the person who greeted us, which seemed like an excuse to just charge us more so I demurred. Our package ended up being what the airlines call “basic economy” on flights - which translates to a human version of a cattle car.
Masks were mandated and people were wearing them, mostly correctly. Our flight’s anti-masker was in his late 20s, wearing cargo shorts and some sort of tank top. He travelled with his sister, girlfriend and her boyfriend and dictated to his entourage. He unmasked as we waited for the plane, the others followed, and picked a fight with the woman across from him who told him he needed to put it back on. At the time masks were mandated by the federal government on all public transportation and most people, exclusive of him, followed the rules.
His mask came off onboard as did those of his followers, and he dissed the flight attendant who announced passengers all needed to wear their masks because it’s the law. A scuffle ensued until he captain said over the loudspeaker, “We have been in touch with the Dominican police and if you don’t put your masks on now and wear them correctly, you will be arrested when we land.” Did I mention that we were on Southwest and had spent extra to board early?
The Best Kept Secret Was Its Terrible Food
Our arrival was fairly uneventful but after a four hour flight that left early in the morning with just pretzels on Southwest we were starving. The travel agent had raved about the gourmet food at Secrets Royal Beach in Punta Cana variety of cuisines available, as well as our open access to the hotel next door.
So we checked out the buffet which had everything you could possibly want with Dominican food and the typical steak, chicken, salad, vegetables, potatoes and more. There was one Dominican beef stew with a mix of flavors not identifiable but good. The desserts which sported whipped cream, chocolate, pastry shells and more were tasteless.
Our room air conditioner was set to freezing but my daughter who loves to freeze was happy. The balcony overlooked a plethora of palm tree, a network of conjoined pools, a strip of beach in the distance and a breath of calm. They brought up a tray of cold salads that looked like they’d been sitting outside all day, congealed, wrapped in plastics, thrown in a refrigerator and brought to us before tossing out.
We chose the Asian restaurant for our first night. My sesame noodles were seasoned with chili sauce out of a bottle with a couple of sesame seeds trying desperately to define the dish. Katie ordered ratty looking sushi and when the waiter returned he picked up the untouched food without a word.
That night we walked among the pools eyeing two swim up bars, couples making out on the chaise lounges and a few others wandering around. In the background was the faint smell of sewage which we found out the next morning was rotting seaweed, that had not been cleared yet from the beaches because they had only reopened a couple of months earlier.
Back in the room I did yoga while K spent the next two hours on the phone with her new boyfriend while I wrote a note to the agent that said something like “We need to talk no later than 10:00 AM tomorrow morning about this place.” She made herself available.
The Conversation and Our Special Dinner
Of course, the travel agent made excuses, another travel agent had just been there and raved about it, perhaps Asian food was not the best option in a Dominican resort, and more, but when I didn’t say anything she called Secrets and got us upgraded for free to the “Preferred Club” they had tried to sell us earlier. They also made me sign a statement that I would not sue them. With the PC came our own butler named Eddie who made reservations for us and addressed anything we asked and access to a private beach. Eddie told us we they were arranging a special dinner for us at their Italian restaurant.
My pasta with bolognese sauce (mystery meat) was almost edible and hers, supposed to be Alfredo was white Elmer’s Glue on a plate with noodles. They were out of every one of the bottles of wine for sale and instead brought the resort’s wine which was undrinkable. The waiter picked up what we didn’t touch and brought it back to the kitchen to toss.
That night we walked to the beach and watched the sea lap upon the shore, discovered the mound of seaweed was down the beach a bit, big, daunting and rotting like a carcass in the desert. The smell was a mixture of death and rotting plants and depending upon where you were in the club wafts of it would come to us on a breeze.
The Tide Started Turning
The next day we split up. I went to the beach in the morning while she slept and talked to the boyfriend. At 11:30 AM a waitress came and I ordered a pina colada with an extra shot of rum and the day got better. Slept under a thatched hut for awhile got up, jumped in the pool to cool off and wandered. Later on I found the bar that only the upgraded Club members could use - cool, empty, free decent food and more pina coladas plus the bonus cappuccino machine. Eddie’s office was in the bar and he murmured something to the bartender and my drinks were stronger than on the beach.
When I got back to the room K said she found a restaurant, a beach bar reminiscent of San Diego, with burgers and tacos and basic fair that was good. That became our daily place. And that was also when we realized the Secret of Secrets. The club next door was called Dreams Royal Beach as part of our package we could go there when we wanted. So Eddie started booking us into the Dream’s restaurants and the food catastrophe was over. I later learned that Dreams was the former site of Secrets but it moved to a parcel of land next door making Secret’s rooms and club much nicer than its neighbor but in the seven months since it reopened they had not yet figured out how to cook edible food.
I went horseback riding in an abandoned mine with a group from the club, where we wore masks on the bus and then took them off for the rest of the time. The day was picture perfect as we galloped through the old salt mine, shadows of white on the hills, as we descended down and climbed up again. I hung towards the back and one of the guides stayed with me. We had a blast.
The Dreams restaurants were crowded, the food far better, with better wine that we still had to pay for on our trip that was supposed to include free alcohol. The last night we found the party in the square with a circus and a DJ. Staff members asked us to dance and K who is blonde, 22 and classic American beautiful with a Julia Roberts smile, was in high demand. I danced too and there is a video to prove it.
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